Rough

Last night, Stephen and I fought. (Again.) And then we talked. (Again.) And then we cried. (Again.) We are trying to figure out the apartment situation, as living together just doesn’t feel like a viable option any longer.

Ugh. This shit isn’t easy.

My side—my story—is based on my perspective. And perspective—by its very definition—is a limited view. It cannot be the whole truth because it is only a smaller part of the big picture. I’m still too close to it, but when I have those rare moments in between, when time seems to vanish, just for a moment, I can see that everything is going to move forward. This is the end of no one’s world. It is simply the close of one chapter, and the beginning of another.

I suppose that perhaps, the timing was all wrong for Stephen and myself. We both have a lot of growing to do. And neither of us is a monster for that. He did things. I did things. We both we’re not always pleasant. We both we’re not always loving. But I think we both tried our hardest. And in the end, isn’t that all anyone can really manage to do?

I wish I had this calm perspective more of the time. When it comes to Stephen, I am like this massive storm. There is no reason or logic, only emotional fury and passion. I am reduced to the five-year-old Rex who is desperately clinging to something he finds comfort in. He hasn’t yet learned the lesson that no one plays for keeps in this lifetime. Nothing stays forever. The rest is my ego screaming to win the competition. But there is no competition. There can be no winners here. And no losers either. We both had, and have, lessons to learn, and I think we’re still learning them. And then there's me, now, this calm rational buddhist, that is just smiling because he knows something the rest of my personalities have yet to grasp.

I miss him. Not just as a partner, but as a friend. And given time, I think we can be friends again. Easy task? Not right now. But with time, comes perspective. Time is the great expanse that one can either choose to learn from, or not. And some people stick to their guns, and think that they’ve learned all they need to know by kindergarten. But there’s a whole world out there. A whole stretch of knowledge and ideas and perspectives and art and landscapes and scents and tastes and senses. There’s a quote out there, and apologies if I butcher it, but it goes something like this:

There are angels out there whose only job is to keep people from falling asleep and missing their life.

And that’s what this big break-up was for me. A big wake-up. I was falling asleep at the wheel. And though it hurts at times, and I miss the “us” at times, I have to say—it’s good to be awake again. Even if it hurts sometimes. So I just have to remind myself to pull back, open my eyes, and remember that the sun never sets. On earth it may seem as though it does, but from space, the sun is always shining.