Breaking up is hard to do...

So it's been two months since my relationship ended.

At first i was angry. REAL angry. 98% of my friends have never seen me in that place. and i hope none of you do. it's not pretty. have a shady, abusive, Texas trailer trash upbringing, and then you may understand. (throw in the fact that i've got 25% latino in me, and watch out.)

Then i just got sad. i fell apart. i crumbled. i cried. i lost almost 20 pounds from being unable to eat. i couldn't even sleep most nights. and when i did i woke up feeling as though i were being stabbed in the mornings... just pangs of anxiety in my digestive system. not fun.

Then i got okay with it. ...i mean, as okay as you can be when the man you love more than anything no longer feels the same.

For those wondering what happened... refer to life. life offers us no guarantees and no promises. i know that when i met Stephen, i had no faith in love. i didn't believe any two people could really make it work, as i have never met a couple with the staying power to make it work. i was okay with the idea that i'd stay single my whole life, and just have great friends, a great career, and lots of sex with strangers. and i was okay with that. but then i learned another way. and for that i am grateful... even though i am NOT grateful for the acute and new misery i have discovered in the last two months.

Yes, it was pretty bad. worse than i let anyone know. but it turns out i was stronger than i thought. i think most people are, given the opportunity to find out. it isn't pleasant, but life can't always be so. and let's face it... after you're homeless for 3 months at age 18 after being disowned by your family for being gay... THAT is bad. losing the man i planned to spend the rest of my life with? that was just horribly uncomfortable.

So today, I've been dragging a bit. Not depressed, just a down...

Last night I signed on to BMB and there he was, signed up as well... And stupidly I clicked on his profile (I have managed to stay away from his facebook profile for almost 2 weeks, which i consider a massive accomplishment) and looked at his pics, which made me smile (what can i say, i've never been attracted to anyone the way i was to him...), and then i began to tear up. Which of course then prompted me to dream of him. it's funny how intense the little things become...

This morning i woke up, and before even clearing my bed, I had a hard time breathing. i just missed the way things were before everything went downhill. I wasn't mad, or angry, or even jealous of his new guy, I was just... Clear. My mind has been dancing around ideas all morning while working, but eventually I walked to get lunch and there it was. A stream of thoughts about this kind of stuff...

I realized that when people split up, it is natural to get angry and sad and upset and so on. But that anger? They aren't mad at the other person, not really. How can you hate someone who you love that much? They aren't mad, they're simply scared of being alone.

A relationship let's people believe they will never be alone again, that whatever else happens, they will always have someone... through sickness and health, through layoffs and promotions, through deaths and births...you want to believe that this one person can be a CONSTANT in a world where there is no such thing. and when that illusion is crushed or taken away, we look to blame someone. And our former partners become easy targets...

I don't know. I may be completely wrong or just rambling from my own thoughts and feelings... i mean every person is unique, and all our body and brain chemistries are so different... but i think this is a universal. this isn't my head talking, this is my heart speaking.

Sure, I still have days where i am beyond pissed. or envious. or crushed. but i dont want him back. not after he hurt me like this. so why am i still mad?

I feel like my anger isn't solid... It's just a reaction. but the reaction isn't about him, or us, it's about me. Being scared. Being terrified of being alone. Of dying alone. that fear came before him. it's only fair then that it outlasted him. That fear is my companion.

I have been abandoned and rejected by my parents, by lovers, by friends. i have seen enough death in my life to last a dozen other lifetimes. but so it goes. it sucks. but life does not offer its condolences. it says, "okay, you have fallen. time to get up and get moving again. you can rest when you're dead."

Anyways, while I'm having this moment of clarity, I wanted to share. maybe it'll help someone else. maybe not. either way, if you're going through this, know you aren't alone. millions of people go through break ups every year, and the surprising news? no one dies from it. we don't. it hurts, but it won't kill us.

For me? I realize..i'm not mad. I'm just scared.

That's all I got. Peace to all of you. -r